“Lord on high,
Please look down upon this earth with gentle eyes.
Please look at the suffering of your children, and do not turn away.
Be strong, God, in the face of so much doubt and turmoil.
Hear the hymns we sing in jubilee, not the prayers we offer in melancholy.
Answer those with hope and need in their hearts, and ignore
Those who pray for material gain.
Most of all, Lord, please look at me and my own people,
Trap’t within bodies we hate, starve, and mutilate.
Look at us, Lord, and do not judge.
Understand we live, but only because of your judgement in our hour of need.
I heard a voice in my head that night that told me,
“Go to the hospital.”
Others have friends and family who heard a voice that said “look in on your loved one.”
We sit together, and are released from care but bound by a common thread,
My people.
We suffer in our very minds and souls when nothing else around us should make us suffer so.
We try to embrace you, Lord, but it is harder than usual knowing our sins and crimes against ourselves.
So please Lord, keep sending those whispers to my people and those around them,
Or my people may not exist much more.”- Location:Home
- Mood:
depressed
I spent most of this morning cursing the hair salon to whomever was around, aka my mother, and fussing with what to my mind borders dangerously on a mullet. I ended up straightening it, and it now looks much better, which explained the problem:
I have hair that likes to curl at a certain length. The stylist either was brain dead or forgot this because he cut lots, and I mean LOTS of layers around my face and halfway down my skull, then kept the length in a suddenly longer layer of hair. The effect is that, when washed and let to air dry the shorter layers curl a little making my face look puffy and accentuating the longer layer which lies nice and straight-ish down to my shoulders.
This accomplishes the journey to Almost-Mullet-Land I mentioned previously. And *I* don't even want to know how much this monstrosity cost, because as it has been hinted I go to a rather up-scale salon to get my hair cut to AVOID such problems as Mullet-Land. A salon where the stylist KNOWS me, KNOWS my hair type and has been DOING MY HAIR FOR AS LONG AS I CAN F***i
I am at a serious loss. I sense many straightening escapades in my future as I wait for the layers to play catch-up with each other, and since my hair grows at the human average of about half an inch a MONTH, I should probably invest in a second straightener in case my current one burns out. Not QUITE FML, but almost. Almost. (I have now discovered the joy of FML, btw- it makes me feel better about my life. Sort of. XD)
Other than that, Mothers Day went pretty well. We went to Sixteen in Trump Tower for a Mother's Day dinner with my grandma and mother and father, which was really good but now I feel about 20 pounds heavier since the food was so rich. I should NOT have had dessert, but I did. Ugh.
That's about it, since LJ just ate my next three paragraphs of rambling and I don't feel like repeating myself.
Oh, what the hell. FML.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
bitchy - Music:Random JRock
My books came in today! Yaaay!
I can actually get into them, too, which has been a problem for a while. Ahhh, romantic Sci-Fi.
I also got new shoes- some nice flats from Blowfish (A strange name, but they specialize in wacky fabric usage with snaps. Original, ne?) And some black pumps with like a three-inch heel. They’re matte, but they’re cute. Makes my legs look slender.
I feel better here in
I keep forgetting to take my meds because I actually feel good. Relaxed. I really want to get off them like RIGHT NOW. Just cold turkey. I am so close to doing it, too. Dr. Alvarez said that he’s doing a “wash out” with my brain, anyway- no meds except the clonazepam. But I know HE’S the one bringing me off the pills, not me, so I should wait for his signal. I know that. I even get headaches and stomach aches when he changes the Lexapro- not right away, but the day or two after I’ve cut the dosage. I HAVE gone from 40mgs to 10mgs in two weeks. I suppose I should be happy when I look at it that way- it’s a lot of progress. But it seems so slowwwww… *sigh*
On another note, I am now addicted to these things called Quakes- they’re mini rice crackers with different flavors. Right now I’m on a Ranch kick; next I think I’ll tackle the cheddar cheese, then the sour cream and onion. But the Ranch is soooo goooooood… *drool* Also, my mom and I got non-fat vanilla ice cream and sugar free Hershey’s chocolate sauce.
NEVER DO THIS. The mixture of non-fat and sugar-free is monstrous. Terrible, just terrible. The chocolate sauce is kinda congealed almost- it doesn’t dissolve into the ice cream like it should, and tastes like cardboard. Ugh. The ice cream is a little better, but lacks flavor.
I just realized I wrote a whole paragraph critiquing ice cream and chocolate sauce. I have issues. In the good sense, I think. At least this time. XD
- Location:Florida
- Mood:
creative
I’m tired, so I’ll make this kinda short.
Got into
I watched Enchanted with Grandma and Mom. They’d never seen it! I was aghast. So I went to buy the soundtrack, and guess what else I found? THE MULAN SOUNDTRACK. From 1998. With all our old time favorites, minus the Jackie Chan music video. A blessing in disguise, I think. -_-;
I would have bought it, except my account was at like 5 dollars after I bought Enchanted. I need to deposit my check from work BAD. I also owe my Mom 12.50 for the remainder of my new, spiffy external Hard Drive, since Felix Emery has a concussion from falling off my dresser. I need to take her to Best Buy and see if I can salvage anything from her, poor thing.
ANYway, my new HD is named “Section 9.” Three guesses where THAT name came from… *Hides new GITS movies*
I’m also anxiously awaiting my books I ordered from Barnes and Noble. Two Sci-Fi novels I love from Anne McCaffrey’s splendid brain.
Meh. Time to sleep on Sunburn. Owwwww…
- Location:Florida
- Mood: uncomfortable
- Music:Enchanted OST- How Does She Know
Serzone is the other medication that they're going to put me on. It sounds rather dangerous. Lots of liver failure, and my liver seems ultra sensitive since I took my little jog down OD lane. -_-; No wonder the combo isn't freaking FDA approved. Yet this does not phase me. It all will be what it will be, I guess.
On another note I'm SICK OF THE HOTEL. MAJORLY. I think it's adding to the depression. Everyone was out having fun last night and I missed it because I was with my MOTHER at the HOTEL. I had an awesome steak dinner, though, since Dad visited his "girls" last night. He and the hamster have an unholy bond. I worry about his mental health sometimes. XD
I hate it, but I keep comparing this year to last year and even Freshman year and everything seems to have gone downhill for me. The only person in the remotely same boat as me is Martha, and she's probably doing better than me anyway. Not that I'd know. I don't talk to her, or anyone for that matter. What do i have to say? "Gee, I'm not really sure how I'm doing because I'm so far gone I can't feel anything. Like stuff that used to make me HAPPY or SAD? not so much. And I know I SHOULD feel stuff, and I start to cry. Then I go to sleep because I'm bored because when you have nothing that makes you feel you get bored REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY easily."
Wow. That would go over really well. Especially when i have basically no affect or tone of delivery in my voice. I just sound tired all the time. Sure I laugh now and then, but then it's really fake sounding and really loud, like its more of a learned response than anything else.
Will this never end?
- Location:Hatties
- Mood:
blank - Music:Rise Against
I wish I could make up my mind about quitting SAI or not. Would Emma still even talk to me? I honestly don't know.
- Location:Hotel
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Rise Against- Roadside
I've sunken into a seemingly "intractable" depression, which means no crazy mood swings but a steady vibe of "life, the universe and I all suck. People suck. Let's sleep all day."
My meds are officially failing. My psychiatrist is really invested in my case, which is good, but everytime I don't respond to treatment I feel like I've failed him somehow. He says he doesn't "want ANYone to do anything to hurt themselves, but [he] really hates to see wasted potential."
Peachy. My mom is hovering so close she might as well come to class with me, since she's going to be up at IWU all next week to make sure I survive. It's gotten to the point Dr. Alvarez made me promise not to do anything stupid, basically "Don't off yourself" I believe were his exact words. I love that guy. I feel like his random, crazy caucasian daughter sometimes.
On the medication front, he's scrapping everything and slowly weaning me off of everything until he can start me on respirdal and something else. Which means my cholesterol will REALLY take a hit. Damn medication.
The fun part?
I'm keeping the clonazepam as a net, so when my brain starts withdrawl I won't go completely deranged.
Fun in the medicated sun is comming up-- a week in Florida, just three generations of Dickey women trapped together in a tiny condo with a pool and one car. I call the pool. If worse comes to worse, I can make an island in the middle and refuse to come to the shore. That works, right? XD
- Location:Law Office
- Mood:
apathetic - Music:Lit- My Own Worst Enemy
If I took a knife to my wrist, would I see Shawna again?
If I scratched my arms until livid marks appeared, would you notice?
If I couldn't take it anymore,
Would you just let me go?
How many times will I sing these lyrics,
And will people shrug it off,
While I feel them in my very soul:
"Doodle takes Dad's scissors to her skin,
And when she does relief comes setting in.
While she hides the scars she's making
Underneath her pretty clothes, she sings:
Hey baby, can you bleed like me?
Com on baby, can you bleed like me."
Well, baby, CAN you bleed like me?
I don't think, baby, you can bleed like me.
I won't let you see my scars.
I won't let you see my scars.
Like spilled milk I'm everywhere,
I need to come together again.
I need to go away again.
This is my two-week-notice on this life
I thought I could take the stress but I was so wrong. HOw can I deal, with failure in my remaining classes?
I just want to run away
And never look back.
- Location:IWU
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Hillary Duff- Who's that Girl
- Location:IWU
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:James Blunt - Out of My Mind
Breaking the Girl Code, Day 1
"Thou Shalt Not Date Thy Friend's Ex"
Ok. So that rule was broken about... 10 minutes ago? 15?
It's not MY fault that he's a fucking tease. Though I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for my poor impulse control, or id mania.
Seriously. He tells Nicole that he likes me, but thinks we should wait until next Semester. Good Idea, really. So what the HELL does he mean by coming into my room and after about ten or twenty minutes of charading as the "guy friend" put his arm around my waist?
Yeah. How 'bout that WAITING thing. Apparently since now he knows that I feel the same way, waiting is "harder."
NO SHIT. Does that mean that after Kara leaves we should spoon and you should leave lazy kisses on my neck~?
I must have missed that in the Dating Manual. Or that clause in the Girl Code. Because that's what this is all about, isn't it? How would I feel if Kara, or Susan, or Rita started dating Tommy?
Ok, not that bad at this point. Really, that flame is dead and GONE. But Tommy and I didn't date for over a year. Any illusion I had that Erin wouldn't care because she wants to date a GIRL now was blown out of the water with the news that, because of the possibility of Ross and I getting together, I was exed-off the "potential housemate" list. Jesus. Erin and I aren't even that CLOSE, never were. But Rita and I are, and she and Erin are practically best friends and I KNOW I'VE CROSSED THE LINE and that this is grounds, under that inexplicable Girl Code, to be left on my own by every female I know, and any guys who are attached to those females.
God. It happened to my Mother, and she didn't even "steal" my dad- It was all HIM. But all her friends ditched her anyway. Now that both Ross and I are to "blame" what happens? I know what happens, because I would feel the same way. He's a GUY, and therefore you cannot blame him for his ignorance of the Girl Code, even though he DOES UNDERSTAND IT. I, on the other hand, am totally to blame because I should have been the nobler one, seen the code and backed off. Ignored my own screaming hormones and shoved him out the door.
The Girl Code exists for a reason. It is akin to the Pirate Code, and like the Pirate Code it has it's rules to bend and break and then it has its sacred Sacrements, laid down by the Founders and never to be crossed under pain of social ostracization. The The Code exists so we Girls and Women don't just go hog-wild and start stabbing everyone in the back.
And I have broken this code.
Really, I must be mad. Tommorrow will be hectic to say the least, but in my defence I present the following:
Ross and I get along really well, at least so far.
We are both lonely
I do better- despite how much it kills to say this- when I have a close companion of the male persuasion to to calm me down and ground me during my fits and episodes. It's no coincidence that things went to pot when Tommy and I split. Duh.
In light of my last example, why should I turn down a stabilizing force when its available and I so obviously need one?
Judge me if you want. Judge me if you MUST.
But what would you do?
- Location:IWU
- Mood:
determined - Music:Marilyn Manson
...
OK, so that was a bad joke. Anyway, I had to take the poor guy into Best Buy, where he's waiting twelfth in line to be repaired. They estimated he'd be done around nighttime on Friday, four days from when I brought him in.
If they call me on the third day, I'm converting. XD
I am soooooooooooo going to hell. But hey, we already knew that, didn't we?
POINT being... I have no laptop. I believe this to all be Janelle's doing, because she's OBVIOUSLY trying to empty the suite so she can have it all for herself... I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out.
This is, of course, all just a theory. But we never really know what's going on in that absurdly brilliant head of hers, do we? I mean, the doors always closed to her room, and she's always smiling like she knows something we don't. -_-*
AS for Black Cat...
AWESOME FREAKING ANIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOVE LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE................
That is all. Go watch it. NOW.
Peace love out yo- S
- Location:Hatties
- Mood:
busy
WTF?
Usually I have to bash my skull in to get the classes I want, but not this time. It's like freshman year again- my first registration was a dream, btw- and suddenly I have all the classes I need AND want.
Well, as much as anyone can really WANT Literature after 186-ish with Muirhead, anyway. But hey, its a 300 level lit course WITH that coveted US Diversity flag I can't seem to grasp anywhere else that it will serve double duty as gen ed and major req. Global diversity and Arts I have out the ears, even writing intensive I have to spare. But Lit and US Div. not so much. *le sigh*
I got Elementary Symbolic Logic with CRILEY and could die of happiness. I heart that man. Newswriting and Reporting with Plath should be ok, and Modern Global History while simple and depressing will fulfill that core-class req. for Asian Studies I didn't know I needed until I spoke with Munroe. May Term is Furo's class, which I can never remember but serves some AS purpose as well. Better still, NO CLASS before 10:50 am peoples. NOT ONE. I'm ecstatic. I may actually make it to all my classes this time. Almost makes me want to pick up a PE course and finish that requirement to pass the time.
....
Actually, lets NOT. Sleep is good. VERY good. So good, in fact, that I'm gonna go catch some right now. Gotta get my 12 hours, y'know. XD
Seriously, that's my biological clock! I wake myself up, (if left to my own devices,) almost exactly 12 hours to the minute from when I fell asleep. Problem is that then I can go for like 20 hours without feeling sleepy again. C'est la vie.
Oyasuminasai minna-san!
- Location:IWU
- Mood:
content - Music:Frou Frou
- Location:IWU
- Mood: cynical
- Music:Frou Frou- Angry Angel
Yes, I broke up with Tommy. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it was for the best. Yes, I want to be his friend still. Yes, I hope that next year we may try again. No, this is not going to drive me over the edge into unrelenting grief.
Yes, I am having med problems. Yes, this makes life difficult. No, I am not crazy.
Yes, I am watching the original Star Wars right now. Yes, young Harrison Ford is mouth watering. No, I am thinking innapropriate thoughts. XD
Yes, I am rather unpredictable right now. No, this is not really that unusual.
Yes, I am tired and feel slightly ill. No, I cannot sleep.
I think that about covers it. Until next time- peace! -S
- Location:IWU
- Mood:
drained - Music:Frou Frou- Breathe In
- Location:IWU
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Kyrie- Witch Hunter Robin OST
- Location:IWU
- Mood: calm
- Music:Lilium
- Location:Home
- Mood: accomplished
Grindstone (promising...)
Album Title: BAM B26 (Niiice. A gun!)
Tracks:
Password-based cryptography (?.?)
Dublin Hurler of the Year
Nonnewitz ( a place in Germany)
William Lewis (Journalist)
Content re-appropriation (another nerd thing...)
Barbus Chantrei (a fish? Or a hooker?)
St. Matthew Passion (Bach)
Juan de Mariana
Glenwood, Georgia (another place...)
Louis Koen (Rugby Player)
Zoological Parks Board of New South Wales
DUSA
List of Austurian Monarchs
Harald Welte
John Vachon
... So I've come to the conclusion that my band is a chick group that gets laid. A lot. And we write songs about said sexcapades, and the towns we had them in. XD
Well, that's my distraction from Aristotle for like five minutes. Essay due in eight hours! Wish me luck. -S
Those bright star-points we call family time, sometimes painful sometimes soothing
The House I once swore would never be my home, because I belonged in another town
With a pond and a woods instead of a marsh and neighborhood
Now a place I wish for, a place I long for
Truly, these are the Good Times
Moving forward with the certainty that tomorrow your parents will be there,
Your brother will be there,
Your life will be there
Like the sun rising over the war so far away it seems like a dream.
Take the good with the bad, and don't question why
Whatever supreme being that presides over us made us the way we are.
Don't even question the supreme being notion, either.
Just let things be, and watch the fire light
And your mother by the sink, and your father reading in the red chair about long-dead rulers
Surround yourself with the things they have created for you, and reach for them
Like a blanket against the future.
Transience is permanance, or is it the other way around?
How surreal, that all this will be gone one day
So soon you will be where your dreams are,
And with any luck you'll be inside those dreams.
Naive, or happy, or both
The choice was and is forever yours.
Don't look back on the "should have beens"
And the tears and the torture.
Just float on the hammock of woven fate
Trust that the rocking will not dispell you,
And drift~
- Location:Home
- Mood: loved
- Music:Witch Hunter Robin
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
rxgeneration- Rx Generation
Syndicate
